Touch
by Avari de Lioncourt
Summary: Secrets from Youji's past come to light. What will he choose to recapture who he was, or to capture the heart of his love? yaoi.
1. Default Chapter

Touch

Chapter one "Living in Illusion"

Standard Disclaimer: Weiss does not belong to me, all things owned by their respective owners. Terms from Anita Blake vampire hunter series belong its own respective owners. References to other stuff I do not own either are sprinkled here and there. 

Warnings: YAOI! Lemony goodness, finally. Anyway there will also be boatloads of angst and the bastardization of quite a few characters. General OOCness in the plot, everyone else more or less bears some resemblance to who they were in the series. Ocs are here as well. Minor spoilers, if you haven't seen at least up to tape two, well this is your warning. I tried to keep the timeline straight, however there will be diversions from the series. Also, I am mixing the anime and manga so some references may be confusing. Before this happens I'll let you know. That's all I believe for this and the later parts. 

A/N: I have had this plot line running through my mind for quite some time, its not something I was originally going to post because I felt to many events had to be altered. I guess I haven't totally changed my mind, making this adhere to the series' timeline is giving me a headache. I did post this for one simple reason, though, I happen to love it. Browsing the web I have come across many, many Weiss fics with strong influences from Anne Rice. Yet no where can I find one similar to this, so I decided to go against my first inclination and put this up. Read and review, let me know if you would be interested in reading anymore of this. Enjoy, and remember, if I don't think people are reading I won't continue to post, this goes for all my other stories as well. More than one person needs to review before I consider it worth my effort to continue, or post anything. 

****

Youji snuggled closer to his lover's lighter frame. Pale skin the color of moonlight and soft as satin underneath his fingertips, sighing in contentment the blond rested his cheek on his partners shoulder. The person on top of him stirred, pressing their lithe frame closer to the older man underneath. 

"Hold still." The redhead sounded grumpy, even while curled up on the playboy. 

"Are you sure that's what you want, Aya?" The groan of annoyance from the younger man provoked the blond into a laughing fit, oblivious to the death glare his young lover was giving him. 

"Hmph. You know maybe if you spent more time at night actually sleeping you would be able to be awake for your morning shift." Aya scowled his voice sharp. Youji looked up at his redhead uncertainly.

"Aya?" Confusion evident on his honest features, the blond shifted, suddenly uncomfortable, under the still scowling redhead.

"Oh never mind. I don't know why I bother." 

A pained sound escaped the older assassin's lips as his lover curled up on his side, back to his hurt partner. 

__

It was just a joke. The words in Youji's mind never escaped. _Why is he so upset? I thought… I thought… Oh, give it up Youji! He's never going to stop thinking you as anything more than an easy lay. Nothing, more. You're nothing more. _Without really thinking about it Youji had pressed his body against his unresponsive lover's back. _Hn. I guess some habits are hard to break ne? Well, at least we both get what we want this way. I have him, if only in a purely sexual relationship. And he has me, though to more of an extent than he might have realized. He has me…_

****

The scalding liquid so quickly followed by the heady taste of a cigarette did little to improve Youji's temperament as dawn rode across the horizon of Japan. The fight plagued his mind, the knowledge that his lover lay tangled up in he white sheets only a few feet behind him pressed against his mind. _Does he really think so little of me? Does he really believe all I am is a playboy? After we've been together for this long, he still… Baka! He hasn't exactly been announcing that little fact now has he? Never mind that an_other _member of Weiss has made it clear that his interest isn't totally platonic… To you, he feels like he can confide in me. Like he can tell me how much he loves Aya but… I said no to him. Why Aya first said he wanted me I said no. I was loyal to a friend; a friend who I knew loved him. But then, I love that redhead to. And all he wants is an easy lay. Irony, what a bitch._

"Youji? Yo… Youji? What are you doing up?" _Think of the devil… Ah well, maybe he'll just forget what happened last night…_

"Are you trying to prove me wrong? Don't tell me I got through to you last night." _Nope, no such luck. _

"No, Aya, this has nothing to do with what happened last night." _I'm always up around this time anyway. Except…except when I'm with you. I feel safe with you. I felt safe with you. And now lets see where that got me, standing on the balcony at dawn brooding. Great. A little more time in my love's tender care I'll start turning into him. Next thing you know I'll be antisocial and a patented death glare. Got the brooding thing down to an art, yep, next you'll see me throwing a katana at departing helicopters. _

"Hn. To much to hope." _Yeah, too much to hope. Too much to hope the man I share a bed with most nights might actually feel something from me aside from contempt. To much… _

"Youji?" _Is that… concern? If it weren't Aya I'd say it was, but Aya doesn't give a damn. So why does he sound so, well, concerned about me now? Is it a fluke? Or am I reading too much into his voice? _

"Youji?" Sharper now the redhead sat up in the bed, tangled sheets gripping his waist. His lover's thin body silhouetted by the on coming day was causing every inch of him to react. _It is a while before work, I'm sure Youji wouldn't mind spending a little more time in bed before work. But… He seems so, distant. This isn't like Youji._ With a quiet grace he slid from the hold of the covers. Moving so he stood behind the blond, Aya delicately rested a pale hand on the taller mans shoulder.

__

Damn. Does he know what he is doing to me? So close, so damn close and he doesn't want me. No, who would when the whore is a much more convenient tool for them to use. Why did I think Aya would be any different? Why did I hope, I should have learned by now? No one like Aya could ever love me; I'm only a passing fancy, good for nothing. 

"You know, Aya, we do have a few more hours before work." _Here we go again. Nothing ever changes and nothing ever will. But at least…as least I can pretend this way. Pretend that the man above me loves me, if only for a moment._

****

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	2. When Reality Comes Crashing Down

Touch

Chapter Two "When Reality Comes Crashing Down"

Standard Disclaimer: All things property of respective owners

Warnings: Yaoi, angst, YxA, OC, Bastardization of characters, next to no resemblance to series timeline, POV switching, cursing, lime

A/N: Wow, I a surprised people actually liked this piece. Thank you to Rue-chan, tmelange, nekojita and everyone else who reviewed, it is because of people like you that this fiction was continued. I will try my hardest to write the potential all of you saw in this. Oh, a note on the switch to first person, I found that this story worked better coming from first person, I will POV switch during the course, I wanted to avoid that but I couldn't, gomen. Chapter one is going to be revised when I have time, which isn't now. So everyone read and review. Oh, and of course enjoy the lovely lime shower scene I included for you. A brief rest bit from the angst. 

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Flashback

:telepathy:

Translated conversation

*** Scene, time or POV change

_"…damn days. I don't know why I even-"_

"Yes, of course I do. What the hell does that mean?"

"No, no I don't. Well… yeah, I mean-"

"No, that is not what I meant damn it."

"Yeah, I know. God, over six hours. I'll let you go, I promise to call you tomorrow."

"Yes, all right, yeah, good bye."

I don't know why I called; I honestly haven't contacted anyone from my past life since I joined Weiss, well more correctly since _he _joined Weiss. The one person living in Japan, who knew the man I suppose used to be me, well we don't often talk when we see each other. Its strange what happens over time, one day you go to sleep and your king of the world, life couldn't be sweeter, wonderful friends, wonderful family, and then... Then you decide to leave, disappear to find who you are in the midst of chaos. I don't regret the decisions I've made, a great man once said the only regret you can ever carry is to not live your life without them, and I still believe what he said, I still believe in him and want to find my way back to him. I am so lost now, and so very alone. 

"Youji? Ah, there you are I… I was concerned." Concerned, I know he's telling me the truth but, its so at odds with who he is. But then, he never comes home from an assignment early, so why is here? Because I was hurt? Because he couldn't protect me? That doesn't make sense, Aya made it clear the only person he cares for is his sister. So why the sudden concern for my well being? Damn. I am still bitter about the fight two nights ago. Fucking hell.

"Hey, Aya. I'm fine, why the sudden tender concern?" Oh fuck, fuck, fuck! What the hell is wrong with me? That's great Kudou, just great the moment he starts to give you push him away because you are such a fucking idiot. "Um, Aya, I didn't mean to imply or anything, I just wondered what you were doing home so early I mean normally…" 

"I know what you meant. Excuse me." And with that he left. He just spun on a heel and walked out the door leaving me, there, sitting on the bed mouthing words. Suave, real suave. Ruffled, moi? 

I wanted to go after him, sweep him in my arms and tell him everything I rehearse in my mind after he goes to sleep. The only thing stopping me is well, him. The coldness in those eyes, his posture, I can't sweep him off his feet, I can't even reach him. I never could, he'd never let me. 

Glancing into the mirror, I never refuted being an egotist; I see the hopelessness of soulless eyes. The pain of one who has lived to long, and something else. A shadow of a past hovering near my lips. That's when I realize, I am smirking, the old confident grin, and I realize something else far more important to the situation at hand.

Who said he had a choice?

***

Hot water, such a simple thing in and of it self, yet so overly therapeutic. I never held much stock in old traditions and whispered sayings. Yet the steady beat of a never-ending torment against my back loosens the tightness I feel centered there in. Though not the one that lies deeper than even the sinews beneath my flesh. Ridiculous, to think such foolish thoughts. Think of _him_. 

The heart is an organ, a vessel, which pump blood and carries oxygen to the brain. It is necessary and vital to stay alive. A wound to the heart is fatal; it destroys the means in which the blood circulates. In a match a blow to the chest will win. Love is not real, only an abstract idea for those who are not strong enough to face duty without something to soften the blow.

I care deeply for my sister. She is the last remaining anchor to my family. I owe her. It was my responsibility to protect them, it was trough my naivete, my weakness that keeps her trapped in a dream realm, keeps them trapped in the soil I so often work with. It is my duty, however fond of her I was it is honor that is my motivation. 

As for him… well, he… that is… I am undeniably attracted to him. And as a person he is, that is to say he can be very charming, but that in no way translates into the concept of love. I face my duty with honor as befits a warrior; I do not need some shapeless, intangible entity to soften my responsibilities.

Ah, but for only a moment, wouldn't it be nice to believe, if just for a moment. The warm water enveloped me, striking my face and exposed body, coating me in crystal droplets. The sound of the powerful water surrounded by ears blocking out all other sound. 

Ehhhm, he is so like the element of water. So gentle and so powerful, aaahhhh. It almost feels like his hands are on me, touching me, aaahhh why does the thought of him do this to me. The blood flowing so strongly to my passion, leaving me sensitized, vulnerable. Aaah, he knows hot to touch me, what will send me to the edge. His hands, stroking me until I lose cohesion. Griping me as I thrust. Sensation, color, sound, images and emotion flash in my mind. Aaaahhhh, I can't… breathe…. My lungs… coated in this thing… like sweat and semen…errr….ahhh… itai…itai…

"Aaahhh!" ***

His skin is so soft, so pale. Gods, his voice… when he moans it makes me shiver, scary, he doesn't even have to touch me to make me go wild. I need to get in control, but he's stripping me of that, just like I send him over the edge. I couldn't help touching him, hearing him moan a little in the shower, he makes those noises when he sleeps. Those sounds that tell me where, when, how hard. A whole language of Aya, devoted to pleasure. One of the things I love about the guy.

His skin is so hot now. The shower is like ice, but his skin is feverish. Did I do that? What can I say in my defense? When I feel like this, so much in the past that I live in ten seconds in the future I tend to… well, Aya can attest to what I tend to do. And from the sound of it he doesn't mind in the slightest. 

Oh sweet Lady of the Moon I want to see his eyes. Those bright twilight eyes so distant and pure, warm and loving for the instant before-

"Aaahhh!" The water is washing off the stickiness of his spent pleasure, heh, might as well help. He's leaning foreword, his head touching the wall which must me cold as all hell, the water sure is. 

He turned it off, finally, I could have done that myself but-

"YOUJI!"

"Yeah, me, who did ya think it was? Omi?" The words slip out to soon for me to think, but damn it I am such a fucking fool. Bring up Omi now, that's great, who next? Ken? Sakura? How many others have fallen for 'em? Yeah, Kudou bring each and everyone up that's just fucking god damned brilliant.

"No. I was, however, not expecting _you _in _my _shower." 

"Really? 'Cause you seemed to be enjoying it until it turned out to be me."

"And what does that mean?"

"It means… it means nothing, Aya. I didn't come over to argue, I wanted to make it up to you."

"Make what up?"

"Me, being such an idiot earlier. I know you were just being, well for lack of a better word, you."

***

'For lack of a better word?' He can be so endearing when he chooses. Even when he isn't aware, somehow, he manages to present a compelling persona. But it's not a persona that is who Kudou Youji really is. Beautiful, exotic, fragile, vulnerable, but not weak. That may be one of the compounds of this mysterious attraction toward him. We are utter opposites, yet he has none f the weaknesses that are so evident in myself. Yet, he has the symptoms of them that I have honed out of myself. Such a conundrum. 

"There is no reason for you to make up for that. However, I can think of other ways if you are really committed to the idea…"

"Oh definitely…"

~ TBC… 


	3. Proof of True Existance

Touch

Chapter 3 "Proof of True Existence"

Standard Disclaimer: Everything is owned by its respective owner. 

Warnings: Yaoi, OOCness of the plot, YxAxY, Schwarz, CrawfordxSchulderich bastardization of characters, cussing

A/N: This chapter doesn't fit with the rest of what's been happening because it is acting similar to a prologue for the actual chapter three. Once again thank you to everyone who has been reviewing this story, it because of people like you that this story is being continued and I hope you continue to review and email me. Everyone enjoy and review, and try not to become to hopelessly lost. 

__

:telepathy:

Flash back

Translated conversation

*** scene, time, or POV change

My redhead is asleep in the bed we have been sharing off and on since I became leader of this 'team,' if you would call it that. The night air and full moon are as full of promise here as they were back, in an era long forgotten. Does he remember, the time when we laughed together, confided in each other, trusted each other. Yet I do trust him still, though things have changed so suddenly and completely around us. 

Sitting here, on the roof of the so called safe house I can't remember why I left. It is so cold here. The night air is chilling; it was never cold once upon a time. And once upon a time I wouldn't have sat on a roof brooding. No, then I would call it thinking and not have it be a lie. When did all that change? The day, the moment I left that world that is my home for this one? This strange and alien world I move in. But then my world is so strange and alien to others, to warm always breathing at a fever pitch. Would my darling redhead like that? Maybe. That's what attracted me to him. What made me love someone so completely as to make me hate myself. 

I hurt so much now. This world hurts me, and having him so close and never giving in. This pain is constant; the moments when it wasn't my companion seem nightmarish now. Its breaking me, and taking me, making me what I hated and I can't stop the change. I could, once upon a time. I could control the change and I enjoyed it. I made it mine.

Running under the moon, singing with a voice that chilled and called. Beckoning the world itself to challenge me. Tumbling, rolling, careening and never once carrying this burden. This blood on my hands that is mine. Never holding my own suicide over my head. I never had the folly to carry. And now… and now. 

This part of me is pouring out, escaping like blood from a dying being. The part I loved and protected, that made something more than Cassandra believed, it is fading. My hate is killing it and killing me. _My _hate bred of me, my own stupid folly. 

Where are you now, proud one? Skilled one? Revered one? Loved one? Where are you, where were you when your vassal slew you. Destroyed the bond you have while reeking of sex and death. Where are you now? No where near enough to pick me up from this, this trap of pointless dancing. WHERE ARE YOU?!

Have you really left me, without a way back to our world? I don't want this anymore, this duality. I want to know where is it that is mine. This cold world of hail that bleeds me dry. Or the world of heat, fire, warmth that held me and loved me, and would have kept me. Which is mine? I am bleeding on this rooftop, slowly losing more of you and before you go I want to know, could I have ever returned? Now…

Now I have him, waiting in our warm bed, as loving as they were before. He loves me for another reason, he doesn't know who I am. And he gives himself to me, loves me and doesn't know the danger of one such as him doing so. I wouldn't hurt my mind reader, my lupa for the world, yet this fear that I shall is the only scent I smell. 

And then there is him. My old friend, who is so far away. How does this cold world treat him? Perhaps it is time that I found out; it has been much too long. Yes, I feel it the familiar strength coming to the fore. A shadow who I was, but then this comes near the time so long ago I embraced that, the shadow within in me. The power I never yielded. Oh yes, let me see how you are old friend. Does this world bleed you and break you as it does me? Or have you made your way, found what you sought when you left. Did you find your mate? Someone who will be your other, better and worse half through the games and pain. That was why you came wasn't it? To find the one? As your dear sister had? As I had?

Ah so bitter, king. Do you hate this memory from your past, no; no I could never hate you, young one. In you there is the arrogance I once had when you knew me that, at least, has not left. Who we were has been torn away, but that hardly matters now. We move in circles around each other, it is only a matter of time 'till those circles meet. And I know of just such an instrument to do so…

Yes, we shall spend this anniversary of what we together. Just like old time, laughing from dawn 'till dusk and then… well time does have a nasty habit of changing the best of traditions. But just because some things change, not all things do. How we both must long for someone to understand, to have walked both roads, transverses both crossings and come back to this the third path that diverged in a yellow wood. The one that is most traveled by and beaten for the ware. 

It is time to move; to stop watching passively while all I once was disappears. Move from sitting and gazing as the sky bleeds into day, the Lady as long since been mine to call on. The pain is still deep from losing who I was, but I can't say I gained nothing. I gained my mate, my love, my red-haired German. And if I am not by his side when he returns tot his world from the realm of dreams, well, I'll be there to hold him and watch him wake. 

The window to the bedroom is so convenient for these late night sojourns. And I never love anything more than returning to him. Balanced on the small window ledge I can see him turn in his sleep, pressing closer against the pillow that my scent lingers on. It would be cruel to keep him waiting another moment. And with all the silence that accompanies me as an assassin I creep back into the chamber I so often share with him. 

Strip down, just as I start to break and crumble I see his figure and it brings me back to myself. The gauze over the wound through which my soul and something so much more precious bleeds out. He holds me together, reminds me of why I left my world to enter this one. So as pull the away the covers and slide into bed with him, his warmth for one instant has all the comfort of what I left behind. He is so much the world I yearn to return to, but I won't hurt him, can't leave him in this harsh place. So instead I hold him in my arms, a welcome change to a reality I am forced to endure.

His pressure against me, as he nestles against my chest is a reassurance to the brightness I was able to find. Yet even his warmth can not chase away the cold within. I want to pretend I don't know, haven't seen, after all we don't speak much anymore… But I know my dearest friend and closet link to the past doesn't have this, only illusion.

But I can change that, tomorrow when we hunt for our prey. Then I will control what once sought to escape me, and then I will recapture for an instant the breath of the past, the warm wind in a world of icicles. Yes, tomorrow the day we both became who we are. I and my partner…

Kudou Youji.


End file.
